Recovery
So on May 8th of 2016 I somehow drove off I-65 in Louisville. There was a fall of 70 feet behind the road and my parents' Volkswagen Jetta took the fall with me inside. At around 4 am I think. I have since lost all memory of the wreck and of what I was doing that day. I have been having lots of memory problems since then, as well as other neural limitations. Luckily I designed this site good enough to easily add blog posts, because I am now in no condition to do any web design. I’ve got a traumatic brain injury, and although it is tough, I am still making a recovery. I can’t play piano quite like I used to, nor do any programming or mathematics. I am still trying to play piano these days and I hope I will see improvement soon.
I’ve been exercising again and running. I am starting to think I’ve been using yoga principles to control my awareness. I’ve been relying a lot on physical sensations to be the key feature to capture my awareness when my emotions start to get messy. I’ve been very fortunate not to gain any serious physical injuries after the accident, other than the brain. I am very dependent on other faculties being subjected to pleasant modes of being. Although I do think as Nietzsche put it we often have life too comfortable or we condition it to not offer us enough challenges to overcome that we can sometimes create the conditions for unhappiness sometimes. It is part of life to not only have things that we want, but also going through the process of getting them. Our bodies are not just conditioned for the results of things we work to acquire but also they evolved to exist during the process of living.
So I’ve been giving myself a healthy dose of physical challenges to overcome three days a week. I run about 2.7 miles and do 50 pushups and 100 setups. I always get to re-experience discovering the pleasure of relaxation each week. That discovery never seems to lose any of its amplitude. So with a good amount of physical exercise and going to rehab three days a week there is plenty for me to succeed at. I have lost all my ability to program extensively like I used to, as well as play the piano. The piano loss has been very disappointing, and has left me trying to remember why I wrecked that night many times.
I do plan on taking piano lessons again this year. I will most likely being starting from the beginning, although I still remember my scales and arpeggios. But even though I remember them that doesn’t mean I can play them like I used to! So much I need to work to improve on in the future.
But now, I’ll get to the thing I wanted to write this entry for. What will dating life be like for me now? It was pretty much nonexistent for me beforehand, so onward with my goals of personal artistic achievement. Not so fast there Taylor. You already tried to get back on the old tracks you had set for yourself before you wrecked, and you realized the piano isn’t waiting around anymore! I’ve already gone back to old philosophical arguments and thoughts and wrapped them up pretty good while I was in the hospital. And I’ve already tried the piano bench again where I decide to sit with a firm goal in mind to learn a piece before I get up upon learning a page. I hope to be able to return so I can replay what I worked hard for and not just to see that nothing remains in my memory.
The same thing has happened to me in go as well. I used to rely on my intuition as well as my growing ability to calculate and read out a sequence of moves to determine what I play next. Now a lot of that has left me and I am now about 10k online (where I used to be 4-5 kyu). So I am still thankful most of my psychical strength is still good. And also to mention that before this I had just returned home from a prolonged journey off on my own being homeless in Louisville and a slew of other odd mental abnormalities. So for the most part I am pretty lucky to have my family here to help me out. I’ve always been pretty lucky in that regard.
There is one thing I recently thought of that I’d like to share. It’s the thought that I wonder if there is a genetic explanation in regards to the pushing and pulling that happens in dating. I know that no one ever escapes the burden of having their rationalization fail to adequately explain why someone chooses to do what they do when it has injured your feelings. I know that one of the best ways to discover a person’s true composition is when they have to choose when their ability to rationalize is starting to fail and then they start thinking instinctively. So when a person begins to think instinctively one starts to get the idea of what the foundation supporting the origins of all their thoughts is composed of. So when it comes time to decide if you want to stick around this person for a long period or not (which always happens) sometimes in making a decision like that it helps if you can evaluate the person fundamentally.
But it is always troublesome getting to that point. Because being able to get a fundamental conception of a person requires many passes of rationalization to occur. You almost have to get to the point where the executive part of the mind is exhausted and is just tired of having to reevaluate repetitive information over and over. Often I think this happens because of a person’s instinct to validate their claim to have experienced a sense of love for the other. It is like when you have to teach a person about limits in calculus. You divide closer and closer until you get an answer that is closer to zero. Basically the denominator keep increasing in size until the number gets closer and closer to zero. That when a number has started to express itself as inherently finite in size in terms of the numerator. I sometimes think this process may naturally occur in the process of dating by either person trying to confirm the sureness of the other person’s feelings.
This process led me to quickly experience my first complete failure to be able to differentiate reality from my projections of variations of potential meanings concerning why some phenomena are doing this or that. In this process I was often led to have to make an assumption about what the conclusions were in another persons mind from their rationalization. And in this process of investigating my foundation I was eventually led to trying to rely on some higher form of awareness that was supplying me my conclusions. This led me down the trail of being told I was very paranoid and experiencing thoughts that had no basis in reality eventually. The thing is, my memories have a long duration in which they exists and maintain a tremendous ability to activate my emotion.
So I must first wonder how will I fair against this same situation again, and will anyone even want to go through the trouble of such a thing with someone as broke down as me. The fun thoughts and feelings I get to finally have somewhere to let them be. I am so thankful this site still exists and I have my password for it. I lost my passwords with my memory failing. Hopefully I’ll get this blog going again soon. s