Jesus Christ
Ever since I went through puberty, all I ever focused on was the love and joy associated with having a romantic companion. Considering the love and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ's life, I am most certainly not worthy of such grace. I even turned my back on Christianity for a substantial part of my life. It was mainly due to never being able to find romantic love. It wasn't until I reached the age of 25 that what seemed to me was an angel was sent to show me the wonders of romantic love. Such a gift of love I certainly was not at all worthy of. I lost the majority of my faith because of the fact this remained concealed from my life.
My love and faith after being saved by Jesus Christ did shelter me as a youth from perpetual fears and anxieties I often felt from what I believe to be evil forces. I must also state that I was very blessed to have wonderful loving parents, grandparents, and family to support my life along the way. I often had to endure periods of time in which I focused on a desire to end my life. I just realized tonight how absolutely obvious that the 7th commandment (thou shall not murder) also applies to ones own life. I always thought that in the bible it very plainly spoke about how suicide was a direct path to hell. Since I don't quite know where (if any) in the bible it directly addresses the topic of suicide, this instinctive child-like feeling of knowing that suicide was a direct path to hell greatly influenced my resistance to such an act.
I also believe that as a child I was terrified of going to hell, so much so that, in a backwards type manner I guess that I terribly feared divine judgment from God. I often tried to follow the example that Christ left by loving and caring for others as I would like to be respected, loved, and cared for myself. I am also very sure that I failed in doing this greatly, but I did try my best to do so. Considering that Christ died for our sins to then serve as a savior from such sin, is a life that calls for such forgiveness, it defines the very notion of love. Love is something that is the very foundation of life itself. What then is the very thing that brings love to its end? Death is that which is the final separator between two living things in life. Christ defeated death with his life.
"Father, make me and instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, allow me to sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
Father, grant that I may not so much seek,
to be consoled but to console.
Not to be understood but to understand.
Not to be loved but to love.
It is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is by dying to self, that we are born to eternal life."
This last line of this prayer I learned is one that I didn't agree with at first. I did change it to say: 'It is by relinquishing our ego, that we attain perennial joy.' After some time I realized that Jesus Christ died to fulfill this very possibility. It is by trusting in the grace and love of Jesus that the door of salvation and forgiveness opens up. Salvation and an entrance to a spiritual heavenly abode does not translate to physical pleasure and joy. This fact is something which really caused me so lose so much faith in the saving grace of Jesus while I was growing up.
I had learned a little about the spiritual aspects within eastern philosophy, Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha), the Bahagavad Gita, and love that I was able to feel between two women that I loved at different points in time. I remember that I felt like I had the chance twice to potentially have an opportunity for true romantic love, but I failed because of my unwillingness to endure a return to fear, anxiety, paranoia and despair. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”
I am sadly too selfish and weak. I am so incredibly thankful that I am where I am in life at this point in time though. I have been very blessed and fortunate to still be where I am right now and I am writing this to thank everyone for your love and support. Above all I thank God. The bible and lives of those in its history were also a very strong support.
周培森